Calling in sick to work is more of an art form then a science. Making the call requires skill, regardless of whether you’re actually sick, or are just faking it to get a day off work.

The Basics:

If you only remember one thing about calling in sick to work, remember these five simple steps.

1.) Find a quiet place to make your phone call
2.) Phone your boss
3.) Keep it short and to the point
4.) Cough a few times, or speak in a raspy voice for added effect.
5.) Get off the phone as quickly as possible (wikihow.com)

These are the bare bones essentials to calling in sick to work. But… hold on a second, Ferris Bueller! Lets consider a few things before you rush to the phone and start planning out day off.

Things to consider before calling in sick

I’ve broken this up into two categories. If you’re actually sick, or if you’re faking it.

If you’re actually sick

That’s too bad, because actually being sick has a tendency of canceling out to fun of not being at work. But remember, just because you’re actually sick doesn’t automatically get you out of work. “The Call” is difference between relaxing in the relative comfort of your home with some tea and a good book, or slaving over your computer, only able to take breaks long enough to vomit in the waste basket outside your cubicle.

Are you Contagious?

If you are, great! If you’re not, then try to say your are, or at least might be. This is your golden ticket. Even if your boss hates your guts, and would have you come in with a massive blood-gushing open head wound. Because even though your boss may not care about you, he does care about you coming in, and getting the rest of his staff sick. So, if it is at all possible, modify your sickness into it’s contagious version when you make “The Call.” Bosses don’t want you to come in if you’re contagious. So in this case, you won’t have to try very hard to get out of work.

Are you really going to enjoy your time off more then you enjoy money?

This is pretty self-explanatory. If you feel sick, are you going to feel any better at home? Would you rather be sick at home, or sick at work and getting paid for it. This really depends on what’s wrong with you. As a rule of thumb, if you’re not going to feel any better at home then you are at work, go in.

If you’re faking it:

Is it a Monday or Friday?

It’s a bad idea to call into sick on a Monday or Friday. Even if you are a expert at calling in sick, your boss will start to get suspicious if you seem to be taking too many “extended weekends.” If you’re going to fake it, try to do it during the middle of the week as much as possible.

Is there anything “going around?”

If there’s any sort of ailment that’s going around. Like the flu, or whatnot. That’s what you have. It’s the perfect excuse. Especially if there’s a lot of other people out with the same thing, your boss won’t question it. One word of caution… there’s always a chance that you’ll actually come down with whether is going around in the near future. In take case, you might get caught in your lie. Your best bet is to play this off as a relapse. But is a risk you’ll have to take in the high-stakes world of “The Call.”

Ailments

I’ve compiled a list of some of the ailments that may either force you to make “The Call,” or that you may pretend to be inflicted with. Again, the broken up into two sections: “If you actually have,” and if you’re faking it. Along with that is a relative success rate. Of course, your success wait will vary, depending on the importance of your job, your boss’s opinion of you, and your ability to “sell it.”

Ailment: The common cold

If you have it: There’s almost no way your boss is ever going to let you miss work because of the slight discomfort of a cold. Even if you do manage to get off work for this, you’re likely to gain a reputation as a whiner with a low constitution.
Success rate: very low

If you’re faking it: Don’t. Pretend to have something more debilitating. Only the most amateurish of callers would ever phone in sick with a simple cold.
Success rate: very low

Ailment: Hung Over

If you have it: This may get you out work. But it’s not without a price. This is likely to give you a bad reputation. It might even get you fired. Unless your working at McDonalds, and the manager is your drinking buddy. Go into work, or think of a better excuse.
Success rate: low

If you’re faking it: Under no circumstances should you try to use this excuse. When faking an illness your goal is to get sympathy. This will not get you any sympathy.
Success rate: low

Ailment: Diarrhea

If you have it: Score! Diarrhea is probably the best thing to get you out of work. It’s a pretty embarrassing thing for most people to talk about. Just the word itself makes people squeamish, so make sure you use it. Simply say “I have Diarrhea, I can’t come in today” and you’re golden.
Success rate: Very High

If you’re faking it: Think of Diarrhea as your magic carpet to a day off work. Simply uttering the word will get you out of work. Just be careful not to over-use this excuse. It would be a great shame to lose the ability to use one of the most powerful weapons in your arsenal.
Success rate: Very High

Ailment: Flu

If you have it: This will easily get you out of work. The downside is, staring down a toilet all day isn’t that much more fun then being at work.
Success rate: Very High

If you’re faking it: This is the old stand-by for calling in sick. It’s slightly less effective then Diarrhea. Simply because it’s the most cliché of all excuses. But, if it’s flu season this is a free pass.
Success rate: High (But, be aware this is a cliché)

Ailment: Sore Throat

If you have it: Generally, this won’t get you out of work, unless your job requires you to talk a lot. Unless you have strep throat, which is contagious. Just remember, it’s not a good idea to tell your boss you have a sore throat because you spent all night puking up Jack Daniels.
Success rate: low to high (low for a regular sore throat, high for a job that requires you to talk, or for Strep)

If you’re faking it: When you call up, be sure to talk very softly, in a raspy voice, almost a whisper. Tell your boss that you think you may have Strep throat. Since Strep is contagious this will usually get out you out of work.
Success rate: high

Ailment: Pink Eye

If you have it: This is contagious, and should easily get you out of work. Free pass.
Success rate: high

If you’re faking it: This is a pretty safe one to call in. Since it’s contagious it is very likely to get you out of work. Just don’t overuse it.
Success rate: high

Ailment : Injury

If you have it: This one really depends on two things. First off, how dependant you are on the part of your body that’s injured. Secondly, the severity of your injury. For example, if your job involves a lot of typing, a broken hand or wrist is more likely to get you out of work then a broken foot. The reverse is true for a job that requires you to be on your feet. If your injury is severe, you’ll most likely get a few days off work, regardless of whether that part of your essential to your work.
Success rate: Medium to high (depending on circumstances)

If you’re faking it: This can be effective, but unlike regular sicknesses, you may have to have some supplies to pull this off. When you come back into work, you’ll need to look like you actually have an injury. The easiest injury to fake is probably a sprained wrist. Just wrap some gauze around your hand and wrist, and tape it up. If you have to have an old sling, you can fake an arm injury. Broken bones are more difficult, because you need a cast. If you have an old cast that you’ve kept, you could glue it back together and use it. If you have crutches, you might want to use those also. If you are skilled with make-up, you can give yourself bruises, or cuts, just make sure they don’t get wiped off. Needless to say, if you get caught faking this you will get in a lot of trouble, and will most likely be fired.
Success rate: medium

Ailment: Exotic ailments

If you have it: There are a countless number of exotic ailments you could come down with. There’s no need to go through all of them. In general, when you call in, you should be able to explain how you contracted your unusual illness, and should offer some kind of written proof and explanation from a doctor.
Success rate: Very high

If you’re faking it: Unless you’re a very creative and a very good liar you should stick to more common, and plausible illnesses. If you do decide to go with an exotic illness, be prepared to come up with an elaborate story of how you contracted it, and obtain or forge some form of documentation. Needless to say, this is risky… unless your very daring, say you have diarrhea instead.
Success rate: low

Ailment: Dead

If you have it: Enjoy your day off
Success rate: 100%

If you’re faking it: The most important thing to remember is that you shouldn’t call into work yourself. That will surely ensure failure. “Umm, hi boss… I can’t come into work today… I died.” make sure your friend sounds really sad when he calls up. Initially, this is almost guaranteed to get you out of work. But there are many obvious problems to this. Especially when you try to come into work the next day. Only the most skilled liars and schemers should even consider this as an option. In order to pull this off, you would need a very elaborate plan, some method of faking your death, and a reasoning behind your return. You must also consider that if you’re gone for more then a few days (depending on your job) your position will probably be filled by someone else. Ultimately, faking your death to get out of a few days of work is overkill, when you could have the same result with diarrhea or the flu. Of course, if you do pull this off, you’re a hero. But, I wouldn’t recommend using this on a regular basis.
Success rate: ???